堕落~

(堕落-ing~)

I have not been myself recently..
at least nt longer the last min me..

previous Study Week was the time i can slp for only a couple of hours, thn study...
(althugh it doesn really work, my result are stil bad, bt at least i studied....)

tis sem's study week?
its was like a holiday week to me..
enjoying high internet speed, movies, nice food everyday..
getting rounder and rounder, yet it's stilL EMPTY inside my head...

wasted almost my whole sem for quan bian..
busying, enjoying uni life..
n yet..
i'm stil 堕落-ing nw~~

argh...
I REALLY HAVE TO grow up...
Comin to be my final year next sem..
yet i stil dun have self control..
STILL RELYING ON MY FRIENDS..
STILL CANT PUSH MYSELF TO STUDY!
STILL NEED PPL TO PUSH ME FOR STUDIES!!
CANT REALLY MAKE OWN DECISION!!
its jz seems like I'm good in nothg!.

"MISS LOKE, CAN YOU PLEASE BE MORE INDEPENDENT and STOP RELYING ON OTHERS?!!"

sometimes..
i really think that i'm USELESS & I'm good in NOTHING!!

In academics,
when ever there's group assgmt, I'm always the blur case..I'm always the one that din contribute anythg, nt even a single idea, bt keep troubling my coursemates..
sorry gals....sorry for being such a big burden...

In activities,
I'm nt a good leader, and not a good follower..i cant lead, and i cant follow instruction 100%..haiz...

At home,
I'm the eldest sis, yet I'm nt always there for my sisters...2nd sis is complaining that she has no idea at all in her studies, yet I cant even help her..Little sis is so blur with her studies,bt I'm nt there for them..

Among friends,
I dunno what role do i play among friends actually?? bringing them happiness? I don't think so...sometimes i even think that i brought them frustration..
Like Jessica mum, owez gek her whn i'm so lazy 2 study..
Like Aunty Emily & Amy, owez 无言becz of wat i said..
Like Hui Yee, always gotta help me think and plan for my thg..forcing me to do my own decision
Like Shan, my best listener,bt i'm nt always there for her..
Like Vivian,, the "mother" that always nag her...

Its like so weird,I used to be the one that wants a gathering badly, that want a gang stick into a gang, want that "一个都不能少" 's feel..yet...it seems like, me myself..has become "colder" perhaps...
ya, i still believe that friends are always there for us...
and I'm glad that i have friends like Vivian sweetheart, Shan Darling, Jessica mum there for me every nw and then.. of course nt forgetting the xiao zhao bor gang & my college friends like Jin Hong, ah Xian,ah tuck,n nt forgetting my big darling BoKeong...
(these are the one who really brighten up my days..luv ur sooOo much.muacks!!)

yet..somehow, the view of friends had changed..
it has become, "O.o..ok, even if u x jio me for anythg, i wont b that hurt, i wont feel abandoned, i wont feel that i'm left behind.."
It can be said that nw, some friends are no longer my priorities when I'm growing up..
n..to be frank, i really dunno whether m i happy with this kinda changes..
Sometimes, i hate myself for nt holding strong to my principal, that "friends" is the most important element of my life other than "family"..
Sometimes, i like the me now, at least..i wont get hurt...
haiz...
bt somehow, i know that, deep in my heart, friends are still vy vy important..no matter wat...
is just that i'm forcing myself to be cold...
forcing myself to come out with a dun care attitude..

jz dunno wat i'm crapping..
being emo in this early morning..argh..
better stop typing..otherwise whole day emo..
forcing myself back to study!!

Miss Loke, you really need to grow up..
there's nobody for u anymore when you are at the outside world...
so....
GROW UP!!!